Nov 29, 2014
One of Seth MacFarlane's comedic masterpieces, Ted depicts the story of a teddy bear who came to life thanks to an innocent wish of five year old kid. What follows afterwards is an epic adventure of comedy, satire and a test of love and friendship. So let's take a look at some of the best Ted quotes.
Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a s**t.
Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's p***y on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: S**t.
Ted: (while trying to convince John that Boston girls are the ugliest) See that the fact that you have to say that they are not that bad means that they are that bad; you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm, o yaaaa ,o yaaaa, haada haada, oh God that was so good now I'm gonna stuff my f*****g face in pepperidge farm
Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
Ted: How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
Robert: I love hide and seek. I'll hide.
Ted: Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-F**k?
Robert: Okay, you hide first.
Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?
Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted: No...yes...uhmm That's a weird f*****g question. No, just start counting.
Donny: You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."
Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
Ted: John, don't hang up! I'm in trouble.
John: What do you mean, what kind of trouble?
Ted: They got me. That freaky guy from the park and that kid, who I think is his son but may also be his lover, I don't know!
Frank: You had s****l intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
Ted: I f****d her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
Ted: Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit. My God America is imploding.
